Invasive Emotion

It’s like I’m crazy all these thoughts in my head are running around
Tears fall on my bed
I can’t get to sleep and when I do it’s no good
I just wish I’d known earlier I didn’t belong in the hood
Now my heads all f**up and my heart is so sad
And I am missing the man that’s always been like my dad
I’m finally crying and feeling it all
And I’ve resorted to my pillow and crawling into a ball
I never know when these feelings will emerge
When the past and the present will bubble up and converge
I don’t need advice now just breathe and take an actual look around
And show mercy to your heart by seeing your life now full of its peaceful sound
Simple and serene and never abusive and scary
Even the days that are long and the nights I grow weary
Progress not perfection but it’s tough still sometimes
Glad I am finding some closure once again in the love I put into my these rhymes.

Life Now and What it is

Sobriety Date April 1, 2019. Recovery Date April 5,2019

“God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference today”

As a wise woman in AA told me, how the heck are we supposed to know what the difference is we are just trying to stay sober, of which I agree, but also, Just live best, do the best you can daily, and treat others the way you want to be treated. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Don’t beat yourself up. Do what you love if you can. Work hard, provide for your children and those you are responsible for, and DON’T for those that you are not. Love yourself. Love your higher power if you have one, and do all you can to live each day the best you can.

I love you all

“Addiction is not a sentence; it is only a word.”

Living life in the midst of addiction and abuse was debilitating.  As I walk freely and with clarity I see how little that part of my life truly is. It used to dominate and run everything now its a message to my sponsor, a weekly meeting a nice daily reading. So small and important not devastating and disgusting. Thanks God. Love you Man.

Beautiful days are filled with effort, love and hard work. 🙂 Putting my best foot forward and being the best me I can be every day feels amazing. There are ups and downs and times of sadness or irritation but, with God, being clean and serene, my amazing friends and my beautiful children, everything is #lovely #bigthings #progress

We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets.

-The Big Book (AA)

Beautiful quote to go with a beautiful day. Really feeling my growth internally through maturity and career goals as well as outwardly with acceptance of my beautiful body and selflove. #workinit #itworks #AaNaAlltheway #Ohsoclean #andserene



now is the time. I understand this fully

Went to bed last night with all the life lessons and realizations and epiphany I have had over these last few days of reflection.

Days in my own head space and my minds own time

When the sun rose this morning, I began anew

Refreshed and capable, aware and completely invested In making their life;

His as an individual, for all angles and obligations that his eyes view as important and worthy of focus and time, every and anything that deems necessary throughout any filtering quandaries and obtaining dreams beyond our means, never forgetting what a true soul means and feels like to ourselves and everyone else.

Hers individually, nurturing and allowing her mind to discover, her soul to feel safely graced with the beauty and wonder of imaginative sweet mind space. Closure and comfort in courage that will be assisting in every aspect of each experience life places in her way that life will have to chase her coat tails as she sails far above and show any she encounters what a sweet, kind, intelligent, comedic, animated young soul can do for herself and everyone else.

My life

My life for Melina

My life to them as their Mom, Mama, Mommy.

My life to the public as an artist, entertaining, comments about worth making, sometimes insaning always leaving most contemplating

My life as part of this world in this universe, … entirely whole

We will be surrounded within and covered purely by honesty truths’

Our breathing will become easier, taken in guided by undiluted oxygen.

Goals are set, focus’ wheels have already began

Directions, obligations, responsibilities, and dreams are presently being pursued because of facts.

Success Will Be Obtained

All achievements will be accomplished

Those added along the way, will only make our lovely path shine and sparkle through our hearts and out our eyes for all to look at and know.

We are who we are and that is how it will be, each day from here out is ours and within them we will be free.

#usMeThem #beawareofselfcare #writeyourlife #NOW

The Mess (Before the blessed)

For all of us coming to feel what it is to truly be ourselves
There is so much empty in my thoughts
There are so many spaces between my memories
The endless pitch black hallways within these internally unexplainable quandaries
I am a wandering version of my reality
It’s the strangest version that weird could ever comprehend

I keep things at bay just about as much as it seems my craze takes over my hearts head brain
What actually is occurring is miraculous amongst a terribly dark sunlight
With an endless time for rest, unless otherwise delegated by the responsibilities that I created
When the time comes to tend to my children I still never drift far from the sentences
The words accumulating into a beautifully structured mass
A messy mass of ensembles that continuously pull through

Any and all turmoil I’ve been enduring do as they always have and always will, they show through
Letters meticulously create words, words developing into paragraphs, paragraph after paragraph
Flawlessly depicting and breaking down the most relevant experiences thus far encountered.
I eagerly and continuously allow myself to grow and become more in tuned with my reality and everything within it
I know no boundaries and there is no end to the capabilities of my thoughts, my mind and the distance they can and will reach by the end of my life’s entirety
There is an unequivocal amount of knowledge already stored safely in my mind, and the future will hold an endless plethora of new information and a continuous growth within every aspect of who I am and how I perceive and manage my world, life and reality.
I am utterly over any kind of semblance of order, I have long since been off the train, long since been a text book bad example for all to avoid and take notes of what behaviors and choices will lead to, being Melina.
There are many things that I am not sure of and many things that I hope I will begin to see some sort of familiarity and or resolution too
My heart feels like its exploding, feels like it’s on fire and frozen at the same time
I can’t resist the terrible and I very well can’t endure nor can they tolerate much more
It’s being thrown in my face and drawn out to a perfectly simplistic paint brush
There is no other option, there is no other way to go, it’s not the manner that you travel it’s the strength and intelligence you apply throughout the trip
There isn’t any way that you can truly understand the impact every single aspect of each choice affects all around you
There is a large reasoning and impact behind each reaction, but if you can’t at least maintain a bare minimum on the reactions you take personally, and filter out the ones that are thrown out due to common sense then you will find yourself in this positions

The position that you are currently in
The negative and positive, the oblivious to consequences, and the selfless and constructive.
The embellished and the dramatic instead of logical and responsible
The painful and impossible instead of the courageous and structured
The wandering aimless instead of the forward focused
The confused chaotic rather than the comforting consistent
The detached displacement rather than the empowering envelopment
The sleepless poison replacing tender adoration and love
The traumatic followers path instead of treading water in an empty, yet fresh and cleaned with all it’s newness and chosen personal touches
The inevitable downfall rather then the smarter though sometimes more mundane taken angle
The realistic and necessary choice rather than the positive and betterment direction
There is hardly any reason to continue upon this house or terrors. There is and has never been a reason behind your awful choices and delusional mannerisms
There isn’t anything else to do, there isn’t one other direction that is anything but the way to go
You are literally destroying everything you are making everything that you are doing look foolish and you are going to be the one that gets screwed in the end
There isn’t anything else you can do then stop stop stop stop stop this is not working this never worked you are miserable and scared and tired and losing any chance of them seeing your life or life end as something that would have fell under something for them they have cared for

I’m so sorry babies that I was such a bust, such a liar betrayed your trust
Told you one thing and did another, acted strange and brought on trauma
You are going to be broken and busted when it all comes down to it
There will be no result other then horrid torture and pain
You are killing yourself and ending your chances to be able to do the one thing you are amazing at
Among all the other things you do so well that you won’t be able to flourish in because your constant awful choices

Misplaced life letters

I would, put myself, in a literal situation, this hilarious triggered off soul binding manifestation of the intricate self encapsulation of all diminutive maturation covered in stimuli-ed curled up webs intervened inbetweened beneath eons of intertwining gaping decade engaging, turmoil envisioning white noise invisibly compartmentalized and departmentalized accordingly by necessities deliberately recognized and temporarily departmentalized squandered only to properly and adequately dysfunctionalize appearances to fully invest everything encountered, confronted, distinguishably discombobulated happen stance to eventuate the final showing amongst the blinding beautiful binding spotlight that always has and will be inside of him, of her and of me.

My Subtle Bold Universe

There is a crazy amount of shit going on in my head

I stood up too fast and everything in my body and brain that makes my feelings feel just jumped up and fled
Ran away, running, so fast and goodbye
Where and what my placement is in this life makes so many of my past decisions all lies
The whys and the reasons, or more the lack thereof
The unwavering inevitable, questions of course there will always be

After all the trauma escapes my mind and brain
I realize that there are so many reasons to not let my spirit wither nor fade
I realize that I can, I will and I must go on about my life and begin to feel trust
I must continue growing into the true person my soul has been an incessant advocate for, showing endless support all along

Make sure that all the times the thoughts wander off, and all the times the thoughts become bad
That I will be able to then see the reason to no longer run, while simultaneously realizing that it was never my only choice to have to have been the one that ran
Feel like I am the one that the shadow had chased, the one that needed acceptance by those that only see me as a waste filling up space
Just run and sing and play and go and never again let the importance of your self-confidence and need to stand up for your thoughts and beliefs ever be anything but top priority

There were times that things were all askew and everything seemed to be melting within me and all over you two
There are moments when I gasp and gasp and gasp for air, it’s these moments that I’ll swallow all the tears and simply unmask and face the fear
The struggle to fill my lungs is what shows the fear its pain, when it can see where the root to itself truly is
It’s when the terrifying truth rests on getting just one breath of air
It’s metaphorical and simple and powerful and true

My fears are debilitating so I must release myself from their noose
I’ve been a prisoner for years in my thoughts and my head, but only because I looked not at all the beauty I have inside, but the insignificant pain and worries instead
I’ve now reached a place, a place that I never before have been
I realize the reality of what I have been for all these years, just how and why my mind was always caught in such a spin

I put a lot of everything on myself, and wore it around so very obviously, it was always there, it was always present
Now I have come to understand, that accepting, acknowledging and learning are all that I must do, the dragging out was what had been crushing me to the point where most feelings for myself came to be resentment
Moving on is not so much my problem, its treading water indefinitely within every. Single. Circumstance and experience that crosses my path

Its freeing to begin seeing all the light and breathing in all the air
This life only promises us opportunities, it is our individual choices that determine our fulfillment, yet this was never intended to be some challenge or dare
I’ve been defending and enveloping myself around a mindset focused only on the negative outcomes that come from all the steps I take
Instead I can see now that all it really is we must do, is accept and embrace our genuine selves and never mimic, bow down, nor feel and/or act disposable or fake
My journey will always inevitably sit way beyond my reach, but that is the beauty in all these breaths we get to take
We have to love ourselves, in order to break through and become free from our shells
Weather they were formed personally, or created for protection.
Instilled or necessary for survival or even to avoid our own turmoil and aggression

I am absolutely new at this, this whole new approach and demeanor I have, most difficult to manage more than anything or anyone is honestly requiring myself to show my loyalty to me
It’s funny and ironic after all the heartache and misconstrued perceptions I held onto so tightly; that it was, is and always has been myself in the end that was putting up the most instigated and tainted fights
Battling with my nightmares and performing with my pain
Demanding my existence be rendered insignificant simply because others’ opinions and ambiguity on my chances of being successful and too often even barely being able to maintain while barely passing as sane

I am awkward and quirky and full of spirited reactions and requests
I often tangent significantly off subjects and just as frequently inquire about possibly getting a little reminder to help get the conversation back on track
I speak loudly and I speak much faster than most do, but it’s not that I talk to fast it’s just often the  lack of desire to actually hear my words renders one listening far to slow
I blurt out and interrupt, far more then I am proud to admit, I question and investigate nearly anything close enough to see, or smell or hear
There always is something larger, something more and something to delve into in my mind

Now that I have grown into myself and acquired so much more relevant understanding and knowledge about what it is I intend to accomplish and how it is I will allow myself to be treated
I am hopeful and positive and my spirit is blinding
All of the vibes are so solid and full of new strength and ideas that I continue finding
So many new adventures and memories on the road up ahead, and so much to reflect on, this time in a much more healthy manner instead

Focused and driven, a bit off and outspoken
Conflicted and misunderstood, yet consistently entertaining and endearing
I hold so many keys to so many doors, and my knowledge is overflowing, yet needs to be organized and properly filed and stored

Just keep up your heads and leave your spirit free to roam around as it sees fit
The universe always will and always has provided a plethora of directions in which we can go, that each of us individually map out our life’s outcome based on our goals and how much we desire to truly come to know

So Much

There is so much going on around, that it is so hard to hollow out the sound.

There are so many sounds to hear, sounds of which can be filled with words and fear.

There is so much going on throughout, that its difficult to decipher just what is considered any kind of route.

The trick is to keep going, the goal is to continue and strive.

The end game is determined upon how much you choose to drive.

How much you choose to fight, how much you choose to grow.

The end game is the beginning, due to the fact that there is no chance the definition to everything is something of which we will never know.

Unacceptable End Game

There are endless ways that anything and everything can come to fruition
The beautifully and terrifying catastrophic impending doom is forever possible
Possible is defined as “able to be done,” “Within the power of capacity of someone or something”

So possibilities are present to often and frequently throughout the entirety of our lives
Possibilities exist, but so often we mix up what is possible, with what is realistic
Discombobulate the importance of the factual matters at hand and more importantly what is actually happening and what will inevitably eventuate

So we must simply be nice to one another
Consistently show courtesy towards one another

Just act right
Accomplish adequately
Succeed humbly
Embellish appropriately
Brag hilariously
Flaunt endearingly
Win sweetly
Lose wonderfully
Speak with inspiration
Walk with instigation
Follow with admiration
Lead from generations
Wonder through realization
Answer without memorization
Question without demoralizing
See without viewing
Hear without sound
Smell without odor
Feel without touch
Most of all, realize that there is blood flowing through your veins
Realize there is oxygen filling up your lungs
Feel the temperature and elements affecting you inside and out
Know the enormity of the life you walk throughout and live within each day

Grasp the importance of every misunderstanding and obtain as much knowledge while humbling yourself with confusion’s opportunities

Beautiful mom

There is a lot of stuff that I am
There is so much that affects me in such a substantial way
It floors me when I think about it, so much to grasp onto and clutch
The amount of significant things continue to grow and be so much

The tears want so bad to come
These days they really pick their battles, because of all the years they didn’t
All the times they flew so freely yet excessively
There are occasional evenings I maybe, just maybe, would like them to
I know so well that being sad and depressed and manic and discombobulated is treacherously tumultuous
This is not any way that I preferred to feel at any point in my life, nor would I desire to ever again have to so frequently be overtaken by these types of emotions

This cigarette is annoying because I have to ash it
This music is annoying because I know all of the words
These letters I type are not
They are bare and they are real, most of all they are true
They feel me like I feel all of you
I know the ways and all of the words
I know all about the this and the that
This universe these galaxies these mistakes and all these scars
Have been and will always been inspiration for my stars

The reasoning behind my war’s
The rationalization of all my harms
The unexplainable, the times my little ones throw me off
How the moment my words start flowing happens to be the same moment they, she, him, her, the them, our us throw that curve ball
You WERE young Melina, Mama
So what?
You were so young, but you were also well taught
You had learned to do things just so and just right
Even with all your trauma drama please just calm yourself girl
You are what you have always been meant to be
You are, even with the stressed depressed and stretched thin

All their smiles and all their tears and equal in the same
They KNOW you love
They KNOW you care
They FEEL your face
They SENSE your pain
They DENY your failures
They EMPOWER your strengths
They REVEAL your YOU
They stinking love you

I am your biggest fans my love
I hope you know that
I hope you realize the reality of that
I hope you understand the fact that you built me up to the me that I am
Even if you think that I might at times be off base, weak and off the charts
It’s just the reminder that I carried you so many places
All the good, bad, different and unique ways and all the techniques

I don’t know if I have ever been really loved by a hand that has touched me
Which is devastating due to my intelligence and because of the lessons from this life I have been taught
With the music in my ears and the words swirling inside my brain, I see the real in my fears
I see the real fears, I see the debilitating terrifying thoughts all around and inside my head
I see them and realize how blurry life’s beauty makes all of it
It fades out any chance of their gloomy darkness shining through
The only light getting out of my brain, is peaceful and chillingly unique

When issues arise, when our situation gets stressful, my initial response and reaction has become logical
I see so many reasons to ensure their creativity
Flow with them as they follow their dreams

There are inevitable ways that things could go, but see the path they direct you towards
Follow their lead as they find THEIR way
There is so much more than me, even though it was only this last year or so I finally felt love for myself inside and out
There isn’t a reason to refer back to past thought processes or any former mindsets
The way I am able to compile a scrambled mess of letters into beauty is strategically wonderful

There isn’t anything but the facts
The fact that I am grateful and cautious
The fact that I am driven and inspired by my dreams
The fact that I am dedicated and focused on exceeding and being successful as a parent
The fact that they love me with such unequivocal valor and truth
The fact that I will continue to grow
The fact that I will always be able to experience something new, something more that I can know
The fact that I will never give up
The fact that I never have
The fact that my past has happened, and the fact that it doesn’t hold me back

The reality of all of this, the point that I am shooting for
Is that there isn’t anything in existence that can force any one of us to the floor
We must be unwavering in our goals and with that be proud and full
We must decide to not make our individual lives become out of our control or null
We must stand tall
We must be strong
We must realize that weaknesses are part of life and not something we can let weigh us down in the least bit, especially not for our lives entirety
There are times that we must rise above and times we need to be pushy, times our lives need a little shove
We must keep our heads on straight and our minds quite right
We must just keep being us, and rest easy knowing we are doing just that every night
Sleep Well.


I’ve been walking a lot recently I’ve really been putting down some miles
I’ve been feeling all the reasons to leave enclosed spaces and not feel like I can not find any of my smiles
It’s actually very cool, it has opened up my mind and helped me keep my self in check
I just am happy to see that I still got it, I still remember there is a head up on top of this neck

I’m such a little nerd, I really can now see, it’s really nice to see that I am understand so much more by myself, beautiful to realize I truly know me
I hope that all the blah blah will make sense after all the shit
I know that all the shit will succumb after all the drift
All the piling over, all the files combined
I can see how all of these things in my personal database can help me see more the wonderful thing that I am, show how my progress makes me feel like I shine
I can’t even, I’m a forever writers block
I’m a reason to run away and armageddon over stock

Its funny when I talk, it’s funny when I kid
Its’ funny when I make all these terrors seem acceptable enough to be read by a small little kid
But they Ain’t, no they are not
Even though only one of those words should be real
I just see that I am a reason to be accepted at least by me, accepted and allow myself to feel
damn….my chest just literally got lighter

It’s interesting when I’m writing and hitting these keys so strong and fast and hard
It’s interesting when I come upon a path never before to be called absurd
Something completely me, something completely new
Something that has derived from an inner and straight influential spew
Something that has been molded, something that is so great
This is truly fantastic, this is more than an unearthly deservance of a clean slate.