misplaced life letters

I would, put myself, in a literal situation, this hilarious triggered off soul binding manifestation of the intricate self encapsulation of all diminutive maturation covered in stimuli-ed curled up webs intervened inbetweened beneath eons of intertwining gaping decade engaging, turmoil envisioning white noise invisibly compartmentalized and departmentalized accordingly by necessities deliberately recognized and temporarily departmentalized squandered only to properly and adequately dysfunctionalize appearances to fully invest everything encountered, confronted, distinguishably discombobulated happen stance to eventuate the final showing amongst the blinding beautiful binding spotlight that always has and will be inside of him, of her and of me.

My Subtle Bold Universe

There is a crazy amount of shit going on in my head

I stood up too fast and everything in my body and brain that makes my feelings feel just jumped up and fled
Ran away, running, so fast and goodbye
Where and what my placement is in this life makes so many of my past decisions all lies
The whys and the reasons, or more the lack thereof
The unwavering inevitable, questions of course there will always be

After all the trauma escapes my mind and brain
I realize that there are so many reasons to not let my spirit wither nor fade
I realize that I can, I will and I must go on about my life and begin to feel trust
I must continue growing into the true person my soul has been an incessant advocate for, showing endless support all along

Make sure that all the times the thoughts wander off, and all the times the thoughts become bad
That I will be able to then see the reason to no longer run, while simultaneously realizing that it was never my only choice to have to have been the one that ran
Feel like I am the one that the shadow had chased, the one that needed acceptance by those that only see me as a waste filling up space
Just run and sing and play and go and never again let the importance of your self-confidence and need to stand up for your thoughts and beliefs ever be anything but top priority

There were times that things were all askew and everything seemed to be melting within me and all over you two
There are moments when I gasp and gasp and gasp for air, it’s these moments that I’ll swallow all the tears and simply unmask and face the fear
The struggle to fill my lungs is what shows the fear its pain, when it can see where the root to itself truly is
It’s when the terrifying truth rests on getting just one breath of air
It’s metaphorical and simple and powerful and true

My fears are debilitating so I must release myself from their noose
I’ve been a prisoner for years in my thoughts and my head, but only because I looked not at all the beauty I have inside, but the insignificant pain and worries instead
I’ve now reached a place, a place that I never before have been
I realize the reality of what I have been for all these years, just how and why my mind was always caught in such a spin

I put a lot of everything on myself, and wore it around so very obviously, it was always there, it was always present
Now I have come to understand, that accepting, acknowledging and learning are all that I must do, the dragging out was what had been crushing me to the point where most feelings for myself came to be resentment
Moving on is not so much my problem, its treading water indefinitely within every. Single. Circumstance and experience that crosses my path

Its freeing to begin seeing all the light and breathing in all the air
This life only promises us opportunities, it is our individual choices that determine our fulfillment, yet this was never intended to be some challenge or dare
I’ve been defending and enveloping myself around a mindset focused only on the negative outcomes that come from all the steps I take
Instead I can see now that all it really is we must do, is accept and embrace our genuine selves and never mimic, bow down, nor feel and/or act disposable or fake
My journey will always inevitably sit way beyond my reach, but that is the beauty in all these breaths we get to take
We have to love ourselves, in order to break through and become free from our shells
Weather they were formed personally, or created for protection.
Instilled or necessary for survival or even to avoid our own turmoil and aggression

I am absolutely new at this, this whole new approach and demeanor I have, most difficult to manage more than anything or anyone is honestly requiring myself to show my loyalty to me
It’s funny and ironic after all the heartache and misconstrued perceptions I held onto so tightly; that it was, is and always has been myself in the end that was putting up the most instigated and tainted fights
Battling with my nightmares and performing with my pain
Demanding my existence be rendered insignificant simply because others’ opinions and ambiguity on my chances of being successful and too often even barely being able to maintain while barely passing as sane

I am awkward and quirky and full of spirited reactions and requests
I often tangent significantly off subjects and just as frequently inquire about possibly getting a little reminder to help get the conversation back on track
I speak loudly and I speak much faster than most do, but it’s not that I talk to fast it’s just often the  lack of desire to actually hear my words renders one listening far to slow
I blurt out and interrupt, far more then I am proud to admit, I question and investigate nearly anything close enough to see, or smell or hear
There always is something larger, something more and something to delve into in my mind

Now that I have grown into myself and acquired so much more relevant understanding and knowledge about what it is I intend to accomplish and how it is I will allow myself to be treated
I am hopeful and positive and my spirit is blinding
All of the vibes are so solid and full of new strength and ideas that I continue finding
So many new adventures and memories on the road up ahead, and so much to reflect on, this time in a much more healthy manner instead

Focused and driven, a bit off and outspoken
Conflicted and misunderstood, yet consistently entertaining and endearing
I hold so many keys to so many doors, and my knowledge is overflowing, yet needs to be organized and properly filed and stored

Just keep up your heads and leave your spirit free to roam around as it sees fit
The universe always will and always has provided a plethora of directions in which we can go, that each of us individually map out our life’s outcome based on our goals and how much we desire to truly come to know

So Much

There is so much going on around, that it is so hard to hollow out the sound.

There are so many sounds to hear, sounds of which can be filled with words and fear.

There is so much going on throughout, that its difficult to decipher just what is considered any kind of route.

The trick is to keep going, the goal is to continue and strive.

The end game is determined upon how much you choose to drive.

How much you choose to fight, how much you choose to grow.

The end game is the beginning, due to the fact that there is no chance the definition to everything is something of which we will never know.

Unacceptable End Game

There are endless ways that anything and everything can come to fruition
The beautifully and terrifying catastrophic impending doom is forever possible
Possible is defined as “able to be done,” “Within the power of capacity of someone or something”

So possibilities are present to often and frequently throughout the entirety of our lives
Possibilities exist, but so often we mix up what is possible, with what is realistic
Discombobulate the importance of the factual matters at hand and more importantly what is actually happening and what will inevitably eventuate

So we must simply be nice to one another
Consistently show courtesy towards one another

Just act right
Accomplish adequately
Succeed humbly
Embellish appropriately
Brag hilariously
Flaunt endearingly
Win sweetly
Lose wonderfully
Speak with inspiration
Walk with instigation
Follow with admiration
Lead from generations
Wonder through realization
Answer without memorization
Question without demoralizing
See without viewing
Hear without sound
Smell without odor
Feel without touch
Most of all, realize that there is blood flowing through your veins
Realize there is oxygen filling up your lungs
Feel the temperature and elements affecting you inside and out
Know the enormity of the life you walk throughout and live within each day

Grasp the importance of every misunderstanding and obtain as much knowledge while humbling yourself with confusion’s opportunities

Beautiful mom

There is a lot of stuff that I am
There is so much that affects me in such a substantial way
It floors me when I think about it, so much to grasp onto and clutch
The amount of significant things continue to grow and be so much

The tears want so bad to come
These days they really pick their battles, because of all the years they didn’t
All the times they flew so freely yet excessively
There are occasional evenings I maybe, just maybe, would like them to
I know so well that being sad and depressed and manic and discombobulated is treacherously tumultuous
This is not any way that I preferred to feel at any point in my life, nor would I desire to ever again have to so frequently be overtaken by these types of emotions

This cigarette is annoying because I have to ash it
This music is annoying because I know all of the words
These letters I type are not
They are bare and they are real, most of all they are true
They feel me like I feel all of you
I know the ways and all of the words
I know all about the this and the that
This universe these galaxies these mistakes and all these scars
Have been and will always been inspiration for my stars

The reasoning behind my war’s
The rationalization of all my harms
The unexplainable, the times my little ones throw me off
How the moment my words start flowing happens to be the same moment they, she, him, her, the them, our us throw that curve ball
You WERE young Melina, Mama
So what?
You were so young, but you were also well taught
You had learned to do things just so and just right
Even with all your trauma drama please just calm yourself girl
You are what you have always been meant to be
You are, even with the stressed depressed and stretched thin

All their smiles and all their tears and equal in the same
They KNOW you love
They KNOW you care
They FEEL your face
They SENSE your pain
They DENY your failures
They EMPOWER your strengths
They REVEAL your YOU
They stinking love you
Immensely

I am your biggest fans my love
I hope you know that
I hope you realize the reality of that
I hope you understand the fact that you built me up to the me that I am
Even if you think that I might at times be off base, weak and off the charts
It’s just the reminder that I carried you so many places
All the good, bad, different and unique ways and all the techniques

I don’t know if I have ever been really loved by a hand that has touched me
Which is devastating due to my intelligence and because of the lessons from this life I have been taught
With the music in my ears and the words swirling inside my brain, I see the real in my fears
I see the real fears, I see the debilitating terrifying thoughts all around and inside my head
I see them and realize how blurry life’s beauty makes all of it
It fades out any chance of their gloomy darkness shining through
The only light getting out of my brain, is peaceful and chillingly unique

When issues arise, when our situation gets stressful, my initial response and reaction has become logical
I see so many reasons to ensure their creativity
Flow with them as they follow their dreams

There are inevitable ways that things could go, but see the path they direct you towards
Follow their lead as they find THEIR way
There is so much more than me, even though it was only this last year or so I finally felt love for myself inside and out
There isn’t a reason to refer back to past thought processes or any former mindsets
The way I am able to compile a scrambled mess of letters into beauty is strategically wonderful

There isn’t anything but the facts
The fact that I am grateful and cautious
The fact that I am driven and inspired by my dreams
The fact that I am dedicated and focused on exceeding and being successful as a parent
The fact that they love me with such unequivocal valor and truth
The fact that I will continue to grow
The fact that I will always be able to experience something new, something more that I can know
The fact that I will never give up
The fact that I never have
The fact that my past has happened, and the fact that it doesn’t hold me back

The reality of all of this, the point that I am shooting for
Is that there isn’t anything in existence that can force any one of us to the floor
We must be unwavering in our goals and with that be proud and full
We must decide to not make our individual lives become out of our control or null
We must stand tall
We must be strong
We must realize that weaknesses are part of life and not something we can let weigh us down in the least bit, especially not for our lives entirety
There are times that we must rise above and times we need to be pushy, times our lives need a little shove
We must keep our heads on straight and our minds quite right
We must just keep being us, and rest easy knowing we are doing just that every night
Sleep Well.

Walking

I’ve been walking a lot recently I’ve really been putting down some miles
I’ve been feeling all the reasons to leave enclosed spaces and not feel like I can not find any of my smiles
It’s actually very cool, it has opened up my mind and helped me keep my self in check
I just am happy to see that I still got it, I still remember there is a head up on top of this neck

I’m such a little nerd, I really can now see, it’s really nice to see that I am understand so much more by myself, beautiful to realize I truly know me
I hope that all the blah blah will make sense after all the shit
I know that all the shit will succumb after all the drift
All the piling over, all the files combined
I can see how all of these things in my personal database can help me see more the wonderful thing that I am, show how my progress makes me feel like I shine
I can’t even, I’m a forever writers block
I’m a reason to run away and armageddon over stock

Its funny when I talk, it’s funny when I kid
Its’ funny when I make all these terrors seem acceptable enough to be read by a small little kid
But they Ain’t, no they are not
Even though only one of those words should be real
I just see that I am a reason to be accepted at least by me, accepted and allow myself to feel
damn….my chest just literally got lighter

It’s interesting when I’m writing and hitting these keys so strong and fast and hard
It’s interesting when I come upon a path never before to be called absurd
Something completely me, something completely new
Something that has derived from an inner and straight influential spew
Something that has been molded, something that is so great
This is truly fantastic, this is more than an unearthly deservance of a clean slate.

Thought Process

There are quite a few things going on in my brain
Quite a few things that are setting off my instinctual pain
Setting off reasons to run somewhere dark
Setting off reasons to caress something stark
Nothing of substance and nothing of smiles
Nothing but something that leaves my heart feeling futile

The words are better if you just let them be
Its painful and lonely and sad and so empty
Its glorious and astringent upon the way you at your best have felt you would feel
The contour isn’t quite right and the right isn’t quite understood
But the reasoning behind the curtain are completely endured
Practiced and studied and failed and felt
Announced and encountered and captured and dealt
Realized and reckoned and louder and nothing rhymes in my head but tight like a belt

I don’t know a lot except all that I know
I am here just as well and touched just not so
I am here without anyone saying and showing me words I don’t want to know
I am what it is and it is where I am
This is just right as long as I begin to really do the beginning of loving me to better show love to them

Hello small Melina, so sparky and bright
My fingers and head almost made me type spiteful and sparkle out of blight
Don’t know the definition, don’t know if it’s right, but I do know that I am on this chair tonight
Worrying about which words in my head will truly survive
Honestly though, it’s these worries that have helped me survive
Helped me barrel through the trauma and pain of being ignored and in chaos

The pain of just wanting someone to like me just a bit each day
I hope that somewhere my writings are reaching out
I hope this typing is loud and spreading wide enough
Its daily I encounter circumstances and reasons reminding me of the small but meaningful ways over these decades when I was able to get out of my head

It seems when I’m in my mind though things turn out alright
Things settle when needed, shine when shaded and untwist back to reasonable when times are becoming quite bent
These words are the core of my soul; they are all of me put down so openly and exposed in fine print

I am glad to finally have them out here, out there and desire only to continue stretching my fingers as far as they can go

I now promise to put much more effort into more frequent writings being posted, so I can keep spreading my passion for the written word to any and all that want to hear them and connect to the things I’ve learned and have come to know

Battle

So I know it’s super late and that don’t believe in fate
but honestly right now I’m realizing what it is I hate
shall I make a list, shall I begin with worst or best
maybe I’ll just start with the explanation to all this pain in my chest
number one I don’t have any hatred
number two I couldn’t if I tried
number three I see it all so clear now
number four I’m okay with every single moment I fell down curled up and cried
number five refer back to one
number six is just the same
the point of all these numbers is to accentuate my lack of pain
I went through hellish battles, battles of which were equally outside parties and my fault
the same hellish battles that weren’t hellish at all, due to the fact that they made me sane
I thought I had lost something, lost myself, lost my way
but the fact of the matter remains that I have long since been exploring
my true way to live and my true way to retain
I see all of my values, I see all of my heart
I realize no matter what, my vision is the only match that can make me spark
I can’t sleep, kids crying, I see why the struggle was so heavy
but my god why must she always wake up right when the water breaks the leavy
when all the words start flowing, shall I just let her cry a serenade
I don’t want to step away, yep, she wins

Erik

Damn lil man I miss you so, more than I thought that I could ever know
I never really had a chance, to teach you to drive or teach you to dance
I missed your screams and your entire glow

Apparently I missed so much that I, at this very moment, almost wish I didn’t know
I never meant to leave, I never meant to fade, I never wanted things to be this way
I never had the heart, strength, knowledge or pull to make you realize I always wanted to be invisible just so I could stay

I was young, that’s a fact, and I was confused almost always
But I never knew just how much you really knew me
You have that spark, that wire and that fuse
You have so many aspects and substantial reason that, I would have undoubtedly utilized and reused

My god, where are you, where have you fucking been
Oh sweetheart I’ve been lost, wandering around so utterly unconfused
I see now all the people that would have furthered my life’s muse

You are such a spectacle, such a lovely gentlemen
You are so immaculate and uncannily chagrin
Why couldn’t you see you after all these years?

I spent less than a week near you and I cried only happy tears
Sad when I left yes and sad while I’m gone
But baby boy I’m so glad I have you to lean on

I know we are all whatever it is our lives have shown us where to be
I know we are greater than all the things we see here
I hope that you know, just how impressively charismatic you are, I hope you can gather all the thoughts I throw at you from afar
I hope you really know just how special you are

Erik I hope you see how annoying you owning this huge ass place in my heart, is seriously debilitating my chances of continued failing and feeling torn apart is
I hope you can see and feel and know that everything you are is shaping who I have been becoming
Before we were back, together as one, you’ve been inspiring my ass since mother fucking day one
Keep it up little brother, you sweet gentlemen
Keep it up so I don’t have to beat your ass at swing jumping again

I love you E

What We Are

I had such a profound and great realization of my son and all he is about
He has and continues to grow into a spectacular example of a person, child, and as baffling as it may be to say, a man one day
His demeanor and all the things that matter to him, are so substantial in comparison to everything I observe most people putting their time and thoughts into

My children astound me to a point so often that I feel I can’t even spell right, feel that I can’t write right, I can’t hear anything else but their beautiful voices tonight
Of course children change the world, but it is at the very same time, that the world changes for children

The fact remains that any and every one of us born, end up molding and drastically changing the structure of our lives and where we live
Don’t run from the reality of a parent’s importance
Don’t hide from parenting’s main goal and desired obligation
True parents, dedicated parents, real parents, genuine parents, lonely parents, sad parents, mad parents, hurt parents, abandoned parents, ignored parents, abused parents, single parents, all and every single type of parents

The humans that raise children
The ones that contribute to ensuring that the next generation will be instilled with the best skills they can to succeed throughout their time
The moms that breast-feed when they want to drink
The dads that mix bottles when their child’s mother left them behind
The moms and dads that struggle through fights and try to close the doors; try to lower their voice but still feel bad, even if their little one is only an infant, because every experience is precious
The moms that were lying on that bed and birthing that child
The dads that were there too that held her hand through it all
The mom’s that have a wife, the dads that have a husband
The women that are now dad’s and the men that become grandmothers
The parents that were perplexed and assumed imminent failure, only to find themselves realizing all the intricacies that children are so unequivocally beautiful
The dads that showed up, there from the beginning or there years and years after, between in the middle or whenever and however it came to be
The men or boys, some so young, some old, some just some age, because it’s just a number anyways

For those dedicated, for those people that are there, show up and engage and grow with those children
For every woman that has squinted when someone raises their voice
For every mama that has cried simply for feeling alone, knowing that they had to be alone, because if someone was there with them, they’d be crying in pain
For every parent that feels lost
For every parent that sees the cost

The cost lost not on having a child unexpectedly, but for not giving them what they so readily deserve
For those that actually tried
For those that weren’t lazy, at times, for a while, it seemed I had internally just given up and just lied
For those that were better than me, for those that did all they could and still didn’t succeed
For those that DID succeed
For those college degrees
For those beautiful washer and dryer in your houses, no quarters required
For me, for you, for them, for us, for him, for her, for the little, big, small and robust

My god I hope you hear me, I hope I can reach you all
My son floored me tonight with the memory of the first dream he ever had
My son helped me see tonight that without all of me, and all of them and all of us we cannot make it anywhere anytime in anyway
I see all the reasons, I see all the pain, I see all the reasons to act immature and vain
I have lived a lot of stress; I have lived a lot of ways
I have lived quite ideally though if put in comparison to millions upon millions of other’s day to days

Please hear my words, and make them your own
Please embrace this writing and build upon it with how you were raised and how you have grown
I see your face, though not through my eyes
I hear your voice, though not through my ears
I know you; all of you

All those souls that are striving and driving
Riding and not dying
Living and giving
Singing and crying
Hurting yet still knowing
Not just maintaining
Not just living
Being
Keep being what you are
Keep seeing through YOUR vision
Keep hearing from YOUR ears
Keep hurting with YOUR pains
Keep maintaining YOUR success
Keep LIVING
Period
You are living
And you are doing it beautifully
I am proud of you
I am proud of me
I am proud of us