Beautiful mom

There is a lot of stuff that I am
There is so much that affects me in such a substantial way
It floors me when I think about it, so much to grasp onto and clutch
The amount of significant things continue to grow and be so much

The tears want so bad to come
These days they really pick their battles, because of all the years they didn’t
All the times they flew so freely yet excessively
There are occasional evenings I maybe, just maybe, would like them to
I know so well that being sad and depressed and manic and discombobulated is treacherously tumultuous
This is not any way that I preferred to feel at any point in my life, nor would I desire to ever again have to so frequently be overtaken by these types of emotions

This cigarette is annoying because I have to ash it
This music is annoying because I know all of the words
These letters I type are not
They are bare and they are real, most of all they are true
They feel me like I feel all of you
I know the ways and all of the words
I know all about the this and the that
This universe these galaxies these mistakes and all these scars
Have been and will always been inspiration for my stars

The reasoning behind my war’s
The rationalization of all my harms
The unexplainable, the times my little ones throw me off
How the moment my words start flowing happens to be the same moment they, she, him, her, the them, our us throw that curve ball
You WERE young Melina, Mama
So what?
You were so young, but you were also well taught
You had learned to do things just so and just right
Even with all your trauma drama please just calm yourself girl
You are what you have always been meant to be
You are, even with the stressed depressed and stretched thin

All their smiles and all their tears and equal in the same
They KNOW you love
They KNOW you care
They FEEL your face
They SENSE your pain
They DENY your failures
They EMPOWER your strengths
They REVEAL your YOU
They stinking love you
Immensely

I am your biggest fans my love
I hope you know that
I hope you realize the reality of that
I hope you understand the fact that you built me up to the me that I am
Even if you think that I might at times be off base, weak and off the charts
It’s just the reminder that I carried you so many places
All the good, bad, different and unique ways and all the techniques

I don’t know if I have ever been really loved by a hand that has touched me
Which is devastating due to my intelligence and because of the lessons from this life I have been taught
With the music in my ears and the words swirling inside my brain, I see the real in my fears
I see the real fears, I see the debilitating terrifying thoughts all around and inside my head
I see them and realize how blurry life’s beauty makes all of it
It fades out any chance of their gloomy darkness shining through
The only light getting out of my brain, is peaceful and chillingly unique

When issues arise, when our situation gets stressful, my initial response and reaction has become logical
I see so many reasons to ensure their creativity
Flow with them as they follow their dreams

There are inevitable ways that things could go, but see the path they direct you towards
Follow their lead as they find THEIR way
There is so much more than me, even though it was only this last year or so I finally felt love for myself inside and out
There isn’t a reason to refer back to past thought processes or any former mindsets
The way I am able to compile a scrambled mess of letters into beauty is strategically wonderful

There isn’t anything but the facts
The fact that I am grateful and cautious
The fact that I am driven and inspired by my dreams
The fact that I am dedicated and focused on exceeding and being successful as a parent
The fact that they love me with such unequivocal valor and truth
The fact that I will continue to grow
The fact that I will always be able to experience something new, something more that I can know
The fact that I will never give up
The fact that I never have
The fact that my past has happened, and the fact that it doesn’t hold me back

The reality of all of this, the point that I am shooting for
Is that there isn’t anything in existence that can force any one of us to the floor
We must be unwavering in our goals and with that be proud and full
We must decide to not make our individual lives become out of our control or null
We must stand tall
We must be strong
We must realize that weaknesses are part of life and not something we can let weigh us down in the least bit, especially not for our lives entirety
There are times that we must rise above and times we need to be pushy, times our lives need a little shove
We must keep our heads on straight and our minds quite right
We must just keep being us, and rest easy knowing we are doing just that every night
Sleep Well.

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