My Subtle Bold Universe

There is a crazy amount of shit going on in my head

I stood up too fast and everything in my body and brain that makes my feelings feel just jumped up and fled
Ran away, running, so fast and goodbye
Where and what my placement is in this life makes so many of my past decisions all lies
The whys and the reasons, or more the lack thereof
The unwavering inevitable, questions of course there will always be

After all the trauma escapes my mind and brain
I realize that there are so many reasons to not let my spirit wither nor fade
I realize that I can, I will and I must go on about my life and begin to feel trust
I must continue growing into the true person my soul has been an incessant advocate for, showing endless support all along

Make sure that all the times the thoughts wander off, and all the times the thoughts become bad
That I will be able to then see the reason to no longer run, while simultaneously realizing that it was never my only choice to have to have been the one that ran
Feel like I am the one that the shadow had chased, the one that needed acceptance by those that only see me as a waste filling up space
Just run and sing and play and go and never again let the importance of your self-confidence and need to stand up for your thoughts and beliefs ever be anything but top priority

There were times that things were all askew and everything seemed to be melting within me and all over you two
There are moments when I gasp and gasp and gasp for air, it’s these moments that I’ll swallow all the tears and simply unmask and face the fear
The struggle to fill my lungs is what shows the fear its pain, when it can see where the root to itself truly is
It’s when the terrifying truth rests on getting just one breath of air
It’s metaphorical and simple and powerful and true

My fears are debilitating so I must release myself from their noose
I’ve been a prisoner for years in my thoughts and my head, but only because I looked not at all the beauty I have inside, but the insignificant pain and worries instead
I’ve now reached a place, a place that I never before have been
I realize the reality of what I have been for all these years, just how and why my mind was always caught in such a spin

I put a lot of everything on myself, and wore it around so very obviously, it was always there, it was always present
Now I have come to understand, that accepting, acknowledging and learning are all that I must do, the dragging out was what had been crushing me to the point where most feelings for myself came to be resentment
Moving on is not so much my problem, its treading water indefinitely within every. Single. Circumstance and experience that crosses my path

Its freeing to begin seeing all the light and breathing in all the air
This life only promises us opportunities, it is our individual choices that determine our fulfillment, yet this was never intended to be some challenge or dare
I’ve been defending and enveloping myself around a mindset focused only on the negative outcomes that come from all the steps I take
Instead I can see now that all it really is we must do, is accept and embrace our genuine selves and never mimic, bow down, nor feel and/or act disposable or fake
My journey will always inevitably sit way beyond my reach, but that is the beauty in all these breaths we get to take
We have to love ourselves, in order to break through and become free from our shells
Weather they were formed personally, or created for protection.
Instilled or necessary for survival or even to avoid our own turmoil and aggression

I am absolutely new at this, this whole new approach and demeanor I have, most difficult to manage more than anything or anyone is honestly requiring myself to show my loyalty to me
It’s funny and ironic after all the heartache and misconstrued perceptions I held onto so tightly; that it was, is and always has been myself in the end that was putting up the most instigated and tainted fights
Battling with my nightmares and performing with my pain
Demanding my existence be rendered insignificant simply because others’ opinions and ambiguity on my chances of being successful and too often even barely being able to maintain while barely passing as sane

I am awkward and quirky and full of spirited reactions and requests
I often tangent significantly off subjects and just as frequently inquire about possibly getting a little reminder to help get the conversation back on track
I speak loudly and I speak much faster than most do, but it’s not that I talk to fast it’s just often the  lack of desire to actually hear my words renders one listening far to slow
I blurt out and interrupt, far more then I am proud to admit, I question and investigate nearly anything close enough to see, or smell or hear
There always is something larger, something more and something to delve into in my mind

Now that I have grown into myself and acquired so much more relevant understanding and knowledge about what it is I intend to accomplish and how it is I will allow myself to be treated
I am hopeful and positive and my spirit is blinding
All of the vibes are so solid and full of new strength and ideas that I continue finding
So many new adventures and memories on the road up ahead, and so much to reflect on, this time in a much more healthy manner instead

Focused and driven, a bit off and outspoken
Conflicted and misunderstood, yet consistently entertaining and endearing
I hold so many keys to so many doors, and my knowledge is overflowing, yet needs to be organized and properly filed and stored

Just keep up your heads and leave your spirit free to roam around as it sees fit
The universe always will and always has provided a plethora of directions in which we can go, that each of us individually map out our life’s outcome based on our goals and how much we desire to truly come to know

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