The Mess (Before the blessed)

For all of us coming to feel what it is to truly be ourselves
There is so much empty in my thoughts
There are so many spaces between my memories
The endless pitch black hallways within these internally unexplainable quandaries
I am a wandering version of my reality
It’s the strangest version that weird could ever comprehend

I keep things at bay just about as much as it seems my craze takes over my hearts head brain
What actually is occurring is miraculous amongst a terribly dark sunlight
With an endless time for rest, unless otherwise delegated by the responsibilities that I created
When the time comes to tend to my children I still never drift far from the sentences
The words accumulating into a beautifully structured mass
A messy mass of ensembles that continuously pull through

Any and all turmoil I’ve been enduring do as they always have and always will, they show through
Letters meticulously create words, words developing into paragraphs, paragraph after paragraph
Flawlessly depicting and breaking down the most relevant experiences thus far encountered.
I eagerly and continuously allow myself to grow and become more in tuned with my reality and everything within it
I know no boundaries and there is no end to the capabilities of my thoughts, my mind and the distance they can and will reach by the end of my life’s entirety
There is an unequivocal amount of knowledge already stored safely in my mind, and the future will hold an endless plethora of new information and a continuous growth within every aspect of who I am and how I perceive and manage my world, life and reality.
I am utterly over any kind of semblance of order, I have long since been off the train, long since been a text book bad example for all to avoid and take notes of what behaviors and choices will lead to, being Melina.
There are many things that I am not sure of and many things that I hope I will begin to see some sort of familiarity and or resolution too
My heart feels like its exploding, feels like it’s on fire and frozen at the same time
I can’t resist the terrible and I very well can’t endure nor can they tolerate much more
It’s being thrown in my face and drawn out to a perfectly simplistic paint brush
There is no other option, there is no other way to go, it’s not the manner that you travel it’s the strength and intelligence you apply throughout the trip
There isn’t any way that you can truly understand the impact every single aspect of each choice affects all around you
There is a large reasoning and impact behind each reaction, but if you can’t at least maintain a bare minimum on the reactions you take personally, and filter out the ones that are thrown out due to common sense then you will find yourself in this positions

The position that you are currently in
The negative and positive, the oblivious to consequences, and the selfless and constructive.
The embellished and the dramatic instead of logical and responsible
The painful and impossible instead of the courageous and structured
The wandering aimless instead of the forward focused
The confused chaotic rather than the comforting consistent
The detached displacement rather than the empowering envelopment
The sleepless poison replacing tender adoration and love
The traumatic followers path instead of treading water in an empty, yet fresh and cleaned with all it’s newness and chosen personal touches
The inevitable downfall rather then the smarter though sometimes more mundane taken angle
The realistic and necessary choice rather than the positive and betterment direction
There is hardly any reason to continue upon this house or terrors. There is and has never been a reason behind your awful choices and delusional mannerisms
There isn’t anything else to do, there isn’t one other direction that is anything but the way to go
You are literally destroying everything you are making everything that you are doing look foolish and you are going to be the one that gets screwed in the end
There isn’t anything else you can do then stop stop stop stop stop this is not working this never worked you are miserable and scared and tired and losing any chance of them seeing your life or life end as something that would have fell under something for them they have cared for

I’m so sorry babies that I was such a bust, such a liar betrayed your trust
Told you one thing and did another, acted strange and brought on trauma
You are going to be broken and busted when it all comes down to it
There will be no result other then horrid torture and pain
You are killing yourself and ending your chances to be able to do the one thing you are amazing at
Among all the other things you do so well that you won’t be able to flourish in because your constant awful choices

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